To: Riley, Tanayea, Tarshana, Taquara, Maya, Trinity, Anayah, Kelsey, Olivia, Akeria, Kyra, Terica and I dedicate this to all the little girls, teens and women whose hearts I’d long to protect and encapsulate from hurt. In life’s journey it may prove challenging, continue to have a childlike heart full of excitement, hope, and openness that comes from an enduring spirit that won’t allow man or earthly wounds to diminish its ability to give & be LOVE.
I’m sharing these words & thoughts from a few weeks ago that it may bless someone.
Placing these words down is an attempt to first get out raw thoughts, feelings, emotions, dreams, as well as to process the space that I am in at this time. And still I’m attempting to make sense of the why, how, in order to grow, to gain some understanding, and to move into a clear and solid space. Right now quite literally and in a sense emotionally, I am broken. Just having had a fall on my bicycle, I’m now healing from fractures in my cheek/face and a dislocated clavicle. Needless to say, I have again been brought to a moment of stillness. And in this stillness, I’m also faced with dealing with heartache. Once again I’ve opened my heart to someone who was not ready for the love that I have, I am, seek to give, embody and desire.
And in some ways I am simply tired. Tired of lessons, of hurtful things that I understand grow me, but just tired. Not that I want or expect things to be easy, but whatever I have been doing, any type of behavior that has me revisiting heartache, I’m just tired.
For years I surrendered to God. I have sought to cling to patience, obedience, virtue, celibacy, focusing on my spiritual walk, waiting and in many ways preparing for sharing my life with someone remarkable…and here I am. Hurt, unable to do something I’m so passionate about in my races, not really focused on work at this point, and just at a loss of direction. Part of me doesn’t even feel like putting these words down, but it is my way of trying to make it through this cloud to some belief in sunshine on the other side.
At least you could say I still in spite of the last week and few months, I still cling to God. He’s all I know I have to get me through this, when it doesn’t make sense, when I’m disappointed in my circumstances, how I got here, trying not to stay at blaming myself for decisions I’ve made, not hearkening to my own gut..that spirit of discernment, and yet even still having love for the very one who has hurt me…who still won’t talk to me to give me some sense of clarity as to why from his perspective, he wasn’t completely open and honest with me from the start. Not that that matters in the end, he is where he is, and I own the fact that despite the red flags, I embraced loving him.
So, why? Why have I longed to and actually do love him? Someone who has not demonstrated in his actions the desire to love me. This is not the first time, but I thought that I had learned my lesson to choose wisely of who is deserving and ready and able for authentic love, unconditional love. My continual habit of not just giving someone the benefit of the doubt, but having compassion and understanding of his past pain, hurt, longing for love, hoping that my love could lead him through the hurt of what he has gone through and into the light of the beauty of love at its purest. Knowing that God is the only one that can heal his heart, I guess I thought in bringing us together, I could be an instrument that God could use to reach him…to let him know he is loved beyond what he may have thought of his past and embrace it.
I’ve never been really a selfish or self-centered person, but I feel like I’m face to face with the idea of self-love. I love myself through and through, but if I have to look at how I got here, I have to face the possibility and realization of the fact that.. I have allowed loving and want to give to someone else, to compromise my own love of self. At no point should loving someone else require my own heart to be hurt, and that is really what I’m looking at. Needing to ask myself, tell myself when I start seeing disappointment, discouragement, feeling used, unappreciated,…, that at that point, I’m not only not receiving love of that person, I’m not receiving love for myself. You are so much worth more than the crumbles of attention, that aren’t even an iota of what true love is awaiting you and what your heart is truly ready and longing for. Keep basking in God’s love, but also know He has a special counterpart for you on earth that wants to love you and was created to love specifically YOU.
Which gets me to another point..truly trusting God. I previously was at a point when I had to ask myself in my actions did I really show that I trusted God. In being honest with myself, I had to say no and do the work to not only own up to it, but also ask what it would look like and live in truly trusting Him. You could say in these last few months, my eyes deferred from God onto what I thought I longed for. And having once again gotten hurt, though I blame myself, I honestly don’t know if I have the patience, desire, and strength to stand in that place. It’s hard being in a place of waiting even when you’re busy, doing work you thing God wants of you. I still longed for that special man to share my life, my faith, God, my dreams…and more. Knowing I’ve waited and tried to do and live in what I believe was expected of me, it’s not like I’m going off the beaten path, but like I said I’m just tired.
Maybe with all this being still so fresh and the injury, I’m just feeling so beaten down. “Be still and know that I’m God” – Psalm 46:10. Lord I try, I really do. And I know you know when I’m stirred, please help any unbelief. And please heal my heart, please allow me to not only bask in your perfect love, but I still pray that you provide my earthly helper, counterpart, love. That I still can fulfill on what I hold dear…that you bring us together for a purpose that is bigger than us both. Lord I humbly ask that of you. And until that day, that my exhaustion and hurt not deter me from my desire to serve, seek, please and love you.
To those reading…trust the journey of life, even the lows, for they have the ability to bless just as much as the highs. Embrace the love within your heart and give freely in word and in action, including to yourself. Trust God and his love for you.