This past week I participated in a conversation on “Setting Boundaries: How Far is Too Far? In Love, Sex & Relationships”. A few of the things we discussed included types of boundaries: physical, spiritual, emotional, intellectual, and sexual. We talked about why it’s important to set boundaries, specifically in dating or the development of a relationship, as well as our personal experiences and what happens when we don’t have them or uphold to them.

I have noticed a lot of females, as well as men, in my life have been dealing with pain, anger, resentment from relationships, desires for their future. We all have probably in some form have dealt with that. I see a lot going on with the dynamics between men and women and where often our connections, communications, and relations with each other seem to grow more distant and spiral into more pain, hate and brokenness. I think it’s important to deal with pain, healing, and focusing on being complete and renewed in heart and spirit, but I wanted to focus on once we are in a space of being open and whole, how do we not fall into the patterns of our past…by setting and adhering to our expectations & boundaries.

Ok, so here is where I’m gonna keep it real…

I’ve had boundaries in my life. For example up until age 19, I was sticking to the no sex before marriage. Well, like many others be it temptation, curiosity, trying to please someone else, or whatever, little by little it became difficult to uphold to the boundaries I set. And yes, I fell into relationships that included sex. What happens when we stop sticking to our own boundaries, we open ourselves up to accepting things we shouldn’t which lead to situations & relationships that are either unhealthy or leave us hurt & in pieces.

One of the things that is challenging particularly for women is feeling that if we don’t do certain things with or for our guy, he will leave and get it from someone else. That may be true but if a man is truly meant and desires you, your heart, your mind, your soul, he’s not going to run to someone else. He truly wants you. And we all deserve someone who truly wants to be with only us. It’s a challenge to wait and it’s also hard once you’ve particularly begun to like or open your heart to someone. This is why it’s just as important to have emotional and spiritual boundaries, so you can truly discern if this person is really for you. It’s also hard because we are sexual beings and have desires and longings that are perfectly human.

To be honest, as a single person embracing celibacy, I’m nervous about when I actually do get involved with someone. As I mentioned in a previous post, I’m not really a person who goes out on dates. I like things to be more holistic in my interactions (ie friends, relationships). Particularly now, I seek discernment and God’s voice in knowing what’s meant with a person I’ve met or have connected with. But I am human! I am a very romantic, affectionate, loving person.

So, I decided that my homework was to create a list of boundaries or expectations for myself and decided to share:

Physical
– Going out in public vs being at a home..at least the first 3-6months
– Not laying in the same bed
– Waiting till I KNOW that this is a Godly relationship before kissing or hugging
– Treating our bodies like the temples they are, eating healthy & exercise

Spiritual
– A man who loves & seeks after God more than he does me
– Being equally yoked, Christian man
– Someone who seeks to bless & inspire others
– Someone with whom I pray together with & both attending church

Emotional
– Waiting till I KNOW that this is a Godly relationship before getting emotionally attached
– Equal give & take (not a one-sided relationship or friendship)
– Someone who acts in a spirit of love

Intellectual
– Being socially, culturally, and spiritually conscious
– Knowing our gifts and using them
– Seeking after knowledge & wisdom
– Engaging in work that applies the wisdom/knowledge we have
– Being able to connect and share our knowledge & experiences, we both bring things to the table

Sexual
– No sex (oral, physical, hands, etc) before marriage
– No heavy or under clothes touching
– Someone who embraces a spirit of love not lust

* I figure creating and posting these will help keep me accountable. Feel free to create and share/comment, I’d love to hear your thoughts..please be honest…we can keep it real!