I sometimes feel that the further I walk down the path where I feel I’m led or even the closer I get to God, the more challenging life seems…sometimes even the more unclear I feel. Yet, there are some powerful moments in that and this very day is one of them that I wanted to share.
Play this as your read further..
Honesty moment: At I times wonder will I get back to a time in my life where things seem so carefree, where things seem to coast, are very clear, things are going a certain way and it’s all good. Don’t get me wrong, I love my life and the blessings of the people in it, things that I’m doing, how I’m able to touch & bless others. Yet, sometimes I think, when will I get to that point where I feel I’ve ‘made it’ in my work, I have the home I want and a certain level of stability in finances, the family and children I long for, and various other aspects of life, where I just see ‘it’. It being relative, I guess, whether a certain level of success or accomplishment, or those goals and desires…all those things can comprise of ‘it’.
Being at a point in my life the past few years, where I often feel like God is taking me on the accelerated course of spiritual lessons, growth, insight, and enlightenment, has been inspiring, deeply moving, sometimes draining, but yet freeing and fulfilling. Various occurrences and circumstances coming left and right have made for some serious shaping, that I often feel and even others have stated to me that they see is for something bigger in my life.
One of those lessons has been in learning to be comfortable with and to embrace the uncertainty. Though there are still the questions and things I wonder, which led to one powerful moment today, but first let me give a little background.
I’ve run 2 businesses and experienced a variety of successes in seeing their growth and living off them for over the last 10 years. I’ve had God bring and reveal people to me to be powerful friends and still those who’ve touched my life where my heart and spirit said this is the soul-tie of my life. I’ve had projects and prospects that I fed into with my entire being, because I truly believe in them. I’ve had opportunities open up where I just knew this is ‘it’.
And then things stopped. Brakes, pause, change of direction, some things still to be revealed…
And for a few years now, God has been carving out time for me to simply rest, to hear him, to feed into me deeper lessons, in which I gain patience, contentment, discernment, and even moreso, to surrender in a way I never foresaw.
It was during this time, I actually had the idea to start an inspirational blog a year before I launched F7LN.com. I kind of got excited for a moment but it didn’t happen then. What I find is that at times God may lay something on my heart (or in my head) and it’s like He taps me on the shoulder and whispers this thing in my ear, but then it take a few more taps that steadily get stronger and then some situations occur in my life where it becomes obvious that I’m meant to do this.
Some of the reasons it takes some time for me to do it, is because honestly I’m either:
1) Telling myself initially it’s just an idea, I’m not really sure it’s something I’m meant to do
2) thinking well, it’s not really moving me towards what I long for, what I desire
3) questioning is this really part of my purpose or not
4) feeling like it’s not always clear to do it right now
And I realize even that is fine, God just uses that time to speak to me louder and create circumstances where it becomes obvious, “yes, this is what I want you to do”.
And then it’s up to me to be obedient.
I want to share a more specific example:
These last few years, I’ve felt this tap on my shoulder (from God) to say, I should spend more time in helping to nurture the lives of my lil god-nieces & nephews. There are 6 of them, so needless to say it’s an undertaking, especially since they don’t live close by. My spirit says to take on more of a responsibility as if they were my own children, to give them more opportunities that would uplift and nourish their gifts as they get older. Though I spend time with them, get them for overnights, and talk to them via FB, chat, etc., I know they could benefit greatly from me being more involved in their studies, talking to them more and sharing things from my life that would feed into them emotionally, intellectually & spiritually.
With my busy schedule and the distance, it seems like a bigger challenge to make that happen. And still my own voice hasn’t deemed it as urgent. Part of me sometimes thinks I don’t have the money, the time, it’s too much, and ‘by the way God, what about the family I want of my own?’ Plus, there are all these other things I’ve felt led to do with youth that I work with, creative projects, and other things that I feel He wants me to do in the fulfillment of using all areas of my life to minister, inspire and love others. So, with that said, I’m only one person & how do I do all this?
In the midst of this, this weekend I got an opportunity to get some of my god-nieces/nephew in a summer camp, and still hope to get the oldest a summer job, but at the youth center where I manage/instruct various programs and close to where I live. I still don’t even know how this is going to work this summer, trying to get them back and forth, but it definite adheres what I’ve been discerning about spending more time with them and being able to pour into their lives more (they may end up partially living with me for the summer).
At times there is a resistance or hesitancy to move forward in what I’m being led and spoken to do. This is not because I don’t want to do it, but more because I don’t see it as part of the ‘it’ I mentioned earlier. Sometimes I don’t even know how I can. And typical me is always questioning, wondering, seeking.
I share all this to say, that during today’s church service this song (see above) was sung that touches me every time I hear it. The words invoke a spirit of freedom in relinquishing, as well as a deepening of faith. I couldn’t help but lift my arms with tears flowing, and ultimately even in the lack of clarity or uncertainty of my life & where it’s going, just know to say YES to what God wants me to do.
It’s truly a message in obedience, in trust and in surrendering to what God speaks to us and wants us to do (even when it doesn’t make sense to us, to our desires and longings, our lives). And in that He pours out blessings and does something AMAZING!
I pray this speaks to you in some way, have a blessed day.